It’d be nice if you could change your life without having to worry so much about money. Wish I could just pack all my crap and leave, move to another school, start a new life. I want so badly to leave.
I feel like a gypsy. I don’t know where I belong, but I know that this isn’t where I’m meant to be. And I’m starting to feel very trapped. I just wish things weren’t this way. But I can’t really so much about things. I’ll never feel like I belong anywhere. *sigh*
I’m literally so tired of being a person. I just want to hide away. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a social person, I’m not outgoing, I can’t be around people for too long, and that’s kind of okay. I’m also coming to realize that I’ll probably be better off finding a job that doesn’t require me to socialize too much. I’d like to work alone. I want to be my own boss because having to go to things, having to wear a mask to be around people, that is all so exhausting. This is what I do every single day, and I don’t think I can do it for the rest of my life. But this is okay.
I don’t have to be what I don’t want to be. And I think I’m okay with who I am so long as I’m allowed to be who I am. And I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I’ve just been awful sad lately. And I can’t stand faking a smile every day because most of the time I could cry. And I really just need to be allowed to be sad right now because I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, but the sadness is coming back. And I feel so awful and I kind of hate myself and I really don’t know why I don’t like myself. I just know I feel really annoying and bothersome, but I’m still working on this. I’m still working on me and I need to keep working on this.
Having somewhat of a midlife crisis once again. Wondering the point of it all. Wondering if my degree will every amount to anything; if I will ever amount to anything. It’s just getting difficult to feel like I’m doing things with purpose. Why do I wake up; why do I fall asleep? What’s the point in anything.
Why do I exist?
I feel so tired.
I think I’ll take a nap now.
The guy I like is dating someone else and damn it. This is the first time in a really long time that I’ve ever felt kind of super bummed out about a guy. I just want to go back to bed and listen to City and Colour and Bon Iver and cry :(((((((((((
Can someone cute flirt with me? Pls? I need it. Like call me cute shit. No one has flirted with me in a really long time. Make me feel cute damn it.
I’m beginning to realize that I hate myself much more than I want to admit. I dislike who I am. I dislike my entire existence, and the mere realization that I’ll be stuck being me for the rest of my life is hard to accept.
I’m such a waste of space, and there’s very little I can do to change how I feel about myself. I hate myself.
Ah I don’t know why life feels so meaningless, so empty, so void of substance. I just feel like I’ve been trying hard to make my life worthwhile and there’s never any use in trying. My life feels empty. I feel empty. I feel so unhappy. I feel so unaccomplished.
I had a very nice day today, I must say. I enjoy going out on my own and walking around the city. I really enjoyed walking around downtown this afternoon, especially because it is a Sunday, and I always think of Sundays as gloomy days. Today I went out and went inside a nice coffeehouse. It had old furniture and squeaky wooden floors. It’s open 24 hours during the weekends, and I really think I might come every once in a while during busy weekends when I can’t sleep.
I sat outside on the patio, and I saw an old jeep, on its back window it had “I love life” written in cursive with some sort of white marker. It sort of made my day. It made me a little bit happier.
Now I’m listening to Coldplay and feeling a teeny bit nostalgic. But that’s alright with me.