I have a HUGE crush on a guy right now and it feels really good to have a crush. And this time it’s kind of different. I hadn’t noticed this, but I hadn’t had a crush on someone for a very long time that hadn’t developed after the person tried to pursue me? If that makes sense. I hadn’t developed such a huge crush for someone random. Anyway, he just agh. He’s smart, he is a writer, he’s dorky and cute and tall and tanned and has the cutest smile ever. Agh I want to cuddle his face.
Today I ate half a bagel (130) and half a banana (52.5) for breakfast. Later on, I ate the other half of the bagel (130) and a small apple (55).
My total so far is 367.5 calories.
I’m having anxiety about what I’m going to eat next. I can’t binge today. I really can’t. I have to restrict. I’m so huge.
I don’t even know myself. Most times I wish I was somewhere else. Like, right now, I wish I was at the beach. Just doodling or digging my toes in the sand, alone. I just have this thing about wanting to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to think about things. And I need to feel whole again.
Never again will I settle for less than I deserve. The one time I did it, I fucked myself over. I knew I was settling for less and I didn’t care. I will care now. I’m actually a fucking great person. And although sometimes I don’t believe it, I know I’m gorgeous. People tell me all the time, and sometimes I feel ducking gorgeous. I have my own style and I don’t care what people think and that’s me and I’m going to embrace it. Next time I let someone come into my life to make me fall in love, this person will be fucking amazing too. And that’s that. B
I did this cooking thing today with a professor from the health college and like I’m so glad I switched my major. I cannot STAND all these health-obsessed people. Eat this, don’t eat that, did you know a McDonald’s burger had x amount of calories and you’re better off getting a burrito from Taco Bell? Omfg stop. I was like so annoyed the whole time. And some senior in that program kept interrupting adding on to what the professor was saying. “the taco salad is the worst option because they add dressing, chips, blah blah blah”. I was so annoyed. Idk why. It threw me off so much. Maybe because I have lived so many years obsessing over this bullshit that I just need to feel free. But at the same time I realize that this is sort of hypocritical because these are things that I sometimes still obsess about. Maybe it just angers me because I feel like it is encouraging people to obsess about these details, and I know the struggle that comes I’m doing so. Idk.. I’m so glad this is not my career path. I was so wrong in thinking it was what I wanted.
I’m literally the biggest loser ever. I cannot make a single friend. I’m so out of place. I honestly hate being me. And I’m so sad today. I just don’t like living.
The problem with us is that I needed more from you. I needed you to constantly remind me that you loved me -verbally, physically, and emotionally. I needed you to tell me that you missed me and thought about me when I wasn’t around. I needed you to make me feel beautiful, constantly. I needed you to have intimate conversations with me. I needed you to hold me and not say a word. I needed for you to be there. I needed you to let me know that you would be there for me when I needed you. And I wasn’t being selfish. I gave all of that to you and received nothing in return. That was our problem.