Today I ate half a bagel (130) and half a banana (52.5) for breakfast. Later on, I ate the other half of the bagel (130) and a small apple (55).
My total so far is 367.5 calories.
I’m having anxiety about what I’m going to eat next. I can’t binge today. I really can’t. I have to restrict. I’m so huge.
I don’t even know myself. Most times I wish I was somewhere else. Like, right now, I wish I was at the beach. Just doodling or digging my toes in the sand, alone. I just have this thing about wanting to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to think about things. And I need to feel whole again.
Never again will I settle for less than I deserve. The one time I did it, I fucked myself over. I knew I was settling for less and I didn’t care. I will care now. I’m actually a fucking great person. And although sometimes I don’t believe it, I know I’m gorgeous. People tell me all the time, and sometimes I feel ducking gorgeous. I have my own style and I don’t care what people think and that’s me and I’m going to embrace it. Next time I let someone come into my life to make me fall in love, this person will be fucking amazing too. And that’s that. B
I did this cooking thing today with a professor from the health college and like I’m so glad I switched my major. I cannot STAND all these health-obsessed people. Eat this, don’t eat that, did you know a McDonald’s burger had x amount of calories and you’re better off getting a burrito from Taco Bell? Omfg stop. I was like so annoyed the whole time. And some senior in that program kept interrupting adding on to what the professor was saying. “the taco salad is the worst option because they add dressing, chips, blah blah blah”. I was so annoyed. Idk why. It threw me off so much. Maybe because I have lived so many years obsessing over this bullshit that I just need to feel free. But at the same time I realize that this is sort of hypocritical because these are things that I sometimes still obsess about. Maybe it just angers me because I feel like it is encouraging people to obsess about these details, and I know the struggle that comes I’m doing so. Idk.. I’m so glad this is not my career path. I was so wrong in thinking it was what I wanted.
I’m literally the biggest loser ever. I cannot make a single friend. I’m so out of place. I honestly hate being me. And I’m so sad today. I just don’t like living.
The problem with us is that I needed more from you. I needed you to constantly remind me that you loved me -verbally, physically, and emotionally. I needed you to tell me that you missed me and thought about me when I wasn’t around. I needed you to make me feel beautiful, constantly. I needed you to have intimate conversations with me. I needed you to hold me and not say a word. I needed for you to be there. I needed you to let me know that you would be there for me when I needed you. And I wasn’t being selfish. I gave all of that to you and received nothing in return. That was our problem.
This morning I ate oatmeal with some dried fruit on top, fresh fruit and granola, and coffee. For lunch, I had a really lame salad. It had a few croutons and cheese, about 4 cherry tomatoes, and I used Italian dressing. Right now I had some carrot sticks. I’d usually buy junk but I have to stop. I need to lose weight ugh. That’s all for today! And I’m drinking a lot of coffee because I have to study.
Before I used to feel like there was something holding me back from finding a new person to love because I had him. But I didn’t really have him because he didn’t take me seriously, but I “had” him. And now that I don’t even talk to him, I just don’t even want to branch out to find someone. People are shit.
Kind of tmi but I honestly don’t care:
My period is like super irregular? I’m not supposed to be on my period and I have been having like bleeding here and there, and it’s annoying me because it’s not a lot and my underwear are all getting ruined and ugh idk why this is happening :/